Mark the moment
January 15, 9:13am
Time of LIFE
Sitting in front of the fireplace, tea in hand, the morning sunshine beaming in and my best cat S’mores on my lap, I take a breath in and I felt it, life has returned to my soul. The last 3.5 months have been a journey. As the fire warmed my feet, I realized that for the first time in awhile, the warmth was coming from inside me too. The January mental state of neutral buoyancy has been achieved. For me, neutral buoyancy is that place where you are neither rising nor falling, just breathing and floating.
Neutral buoyancy has been really hard to find this January. It wasn’t any one thing that was keeping me on the emotional teeter-totter, but rather ALL the things. It’s the politics in my own life as well as the politics in Washington, it’s the sadness of watching people lose loved ones, it’s the fires burning in Los Angeles, it’s just ALL of it, together, it’s a lot.
But in the simple quiet moment of this morning, that little spark of light in my soul let me know it is still there. So I sit here breathing in, breathing out, taking nothing for granted, being grateful that the spark is alive. I have been missing it for the past little while.
With gratitude, I reflect on the people that were tending the spark inside of me when I was too low to do it myself. It’s only with 20/20 hindsight that I see a different timeline emerge from the last 3.5 months than the one I listed in my previous post.
I present the following photos as the alternate reality from the past 3 months.
As I look back, I can see the 3 things that helped keep me going when I could have been swallowed by failure.
-First, my Family is my everything. All the years I was the anchor for them, this time they became the anchor for me. They reminded me constantly that they love me unconditionally and don’t think I am a failure. They think I was brave for trying.
-Second, My friends and their constant flooding of memes. Memes about courage, memes about cats, memes about mental health, memes about friendship, memes about The Muppets, memes about being broken, memes about healing. ALL.THE.MEMES! The underlying theme in every meme was a message of love and building me up. Thank you friends for crawling in my hole with me and tending the fire inside me with all your memes.
-Third- My photography. In the last 3 weeks I have created some of the best work of my career. I have taken the governor off my creativity and the results have fanned my embers into a glow again. Creativity is one of the strongest healing agents I know.
My deepest gratitude to my family, friends and photography that held me up while I fell to pieces. It’s easy to keep looking at all the carnage and mess that caused that pain. Now, on January 15, 2025, I see all the elements that combined to lift me up and help me heal. Instead of the dark, I am now focusing on the light.
It has always been my intention to be in the environments where I can do good. As I look at my PPA journey, it was never about being President, it was always about doing good for the members. I can check “making a difference” off my PPA to-do list.
Initially, when I was told that I had no value on the board, it felt like a punch in the gut. I have let go of those words because of an important quote I memorized years ago. “There is no limit to what you can accomplish if you don’t mind who gets the credit.” When I go to ImagingUSA in 2 weeks, and I see Dan Winters light up the stage with his warmth and talent, I know in my heart I did that. When the key note speaker, Shola Richards, tells everyone about Unbuntu, I know in my heart that I gave a great council charge 2 years ago sharing the message of Ubuntu. When people have the opportunity to attend a platform class on LGBTQ weddings, I know I fought for that. And when there are no confetti cannons at the IPC finals on Monday night, I will be sad because I didn’t get that accomplished.
I have been in a very unique position the last 3 months. Many people have felt comfortable telling me their personal experiences with PPA. When I listen at all those who have shed tears over PPA, I realize I am among some very very talented people & artists I truly admire. When I wasn’t on the phone during the last 3 months, I was rewatching Ted Lasso. I sobbed when Ted told his players, “I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad. Ain’t none of you in this room alone.” Thank you, all of you, for helping me not feel alone during this time. Honestly, when times are tough, just being present for someone is all that’s needed. When you see me at Imaging, come let me give you that in-person hug I promised you.
As I sit here in the neutral buoyancy of January I meditate on my all time favorite quote. Written by Marianne Williamson and made famous by Nelson Mandela:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
If you are one of those people who has had their light threatened, or have been told that your light is wrong, or that you should trust others light….. Hear me now, SHINE! If someone needs you to be small so they can be more comfortable, those are not your people. Your playing small does not serve the world. Today, my soul reminded me I still have a spark and so I remind you too, you have a light that is needed. If anyone tells you otherwise, find another space, because there is room for all of us to shine.
If you have found that you can’t find your spark, may you be surrounded by those that can fan your flame and rekindle that light. Associate with those that build you up, not tear you down. Every single one of us will have moments where we need help from others, we aren’t meant to travel this life alone. Surround yourself with those that add fuel to your spark to make it stronger and brighter. There is enough room in the sky for all the stars to shine.
Happy neutral buoyancy month!
Allison
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